One of the many things I understood months later in my journey that would have been better to know earlier on is self-compassion. In the beginning, I was my own biggest critic believing that growth required constant dictatorial self-correction and strict rigid metrics. I measured how quickly I was healing and how much I struggled subconsciously then would beat myself up about it. Over time, I began to see that this inner harshness was not discipline but another survival strategy I had adapted to push myself to be and do better. I had to learn to meet myself with patience instead because that is the foundation that made my real healing possible.
SELF-COMPASSION
A huge part of growth and self-love lie in the concept of having to treat yourself the way you would someone you actually love especially during hard times. Self-compassion is the practice of responding to yourself with understanding, kindness and support during moments of difficulty, failure or emotional pain rather than judgment, criticism or avoidance. Self-compassion acknowledges that struggling, imperfection and uncertainty are part of being human. And it asks you to extend that same knowledge inward and give yourself grace. Instead of motivating change through fear, guilt or shame, it nourishes transformation through care and trust. Instead of seeing mistakes, flaws or setbacks as personal failures, it reframes them as moments of learning and growth. Because self-compassion recognizes them as shared human experiences thus creating another layer of internal safety needed to take accountability and expand into any shape possible, dissolving isolation and strengthening self-connection. From this place of internal safety, healing becomes sustainable, growth becomes gentler and self-love shifts from just an external abstract into an inner lived, daily practice. Think of self-compassion as gently comforting your inner child.
SELF-COMPASSION COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS
Self-compassion is nothing new to me, it has always been a practice my mom has tried to teach. She would say things like, “Don’t say that”, “Do not insult yourself” and more positive affirmations than I can ever count. Compassion from my mom felt great like love should but on my own I could never give myself that courtesy and so my mom became my refuge during hard times. Upon sitting with myself I learnt the reasons I could never really wrap my head around the concept was due to my own misconceptions about self-compassion:
- “It is self-pity”
Why I believed this:
Self-pity is associated with helplessness victimhood and dwelling on suffering. I am not one to sit longer than I should in my pain. I feared that being kind to myself will trap me in negativity or excuse stagnation. I refuse to wear my pain as armor “Poor me” mindset will miss me.
The truth:
Self-pity isolates you in your pain while self-compassion connects you to your humanity. While self-pity says, “Why does this always happen to me?” self-compassion says, “This is hard for me, having hard times is part of being human and I will get through this” Self-compassion acknowledges hard times without exaggerating it or letting it define you rather it helps you move through it.
- “It is weakness”
Why I believed this:
Giving yourself grace is never framed as part of resilience, but it is often mistaken for weakness or lack of discipline. It’s softer, internal, flexible and just doesn’t fit neatly into the traditional narrative of resilience.
The truth:
Self-compassion requires courage. It takes strength to sit with any discomfort without attacking yourself or running away. Because true strength lies in emotional honesty and self-regulation. Grace ensures this happens and doesn’t come at the cost of your mental or emotional health. My lived practice of self-compassion proved more resilient, not less.
- “It is selfishness”
Why I believed this:
People, especially those conditioned to care for others at their own expense, often believe that attending to their own needs (even emotionally) takes away from others and that is not “virtuous”. I was one of these people so I would refuse to give myself compassion until it was given to me.
The truth:
Self-compassion is not self-absorption; it is self-respect. Self-neglect doesn’t make you virtuous. When you meet your own needs, you prevent things like burnout, resentment and emotional overwhelmingness. You become more present, not less and maintain more better-balanced relationships. Pour into your own cup first before requiring others to.
- “It is avoiding accountability”
Why I believed this:
I equated accountability with tough love through guilt or shame, believing that without harsh self-criticism, growth won’t happen and I would lack motivation for my responsibilities.
The truth:
By removing shame and guilt self-compassion actually increases accountability because it removes the need for defensiveness creating the emotional safety required to acknowledge, admit and correct stuff. You can see your behavior clearly and take accountability without self-condemnation. True responsibility is also about repairing, learning and moving forward.
SELF-COMPASSION HAS THREE ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS
I had to do a lot of research so I could know and understand self-compassion better after unlearning my common misconceptions. The three core elements of self-compassion were identified by psychologist Kristin Neff. Each plays a vital role but together, they form a balanced and healthy way of relating to yourself during hard times. The psychologist identifies three interconnected elements:
- Self-kindness
Choosing gentleness over harsh self-criticism. It means speaking to yourself in a supportive way, especially when you fall short of expectations or feel overwhelmed or something along those lines. Instead of attacking yourself for mistakes, you acknowledge your pain and respond with understanding. This does not mean ignoring responsibility; it means removing cruelty from the process. Someone once asked, “If you wouldn’t like or even allow someone else to speak to you that way then why are you speaking to yourself like that?” I have never been the same ever since. Self-kindness allows you to address challenges with clarity and care.
E.g. You messed up an assignment
A self-critical response might be, “I should have known better, I always mess things up. I’m so unresponsible.”
A self-kind response would sound like, “Mistakes happen and I feel sad and a little disappointed in myself, but I can acknowledge what went wrong and figure out the best way forward and way to never repeat the same mistake.”
- Common humanity
Recognizing that many experiences are part of being a human living on earth and understanding that you are not alone. Because life doesn’t just happen to you, everyone gets their share of struggles. Everyone experiences doubt, fear, failure and etc. No one is perfect or has it easy even though they live a different “better” life from you. Although some experiences may only have been experienced by some, you can still find your own community for support if you speak up. This awareness counters the belief that something is “wrong” with you and even the need to isolate yourself.
E.g. After experiencing a work rejection, you may think, “I am such a loser. I am not enough. Everyone else seems to have it together but me.”
Through common humanity, this becomes, “Rejection hurts because it’s human to want connection. Many people have experienced this, even if they don’t show it.”
- Mindful awareness
Creating space to notice your emotions or thought without exaggerating or suppressing them. It prevents emotional or mental overwhelm and avoidance. Mindfulness allows you to acknowledge your feeling thought honestly without becoming consumed by it. It creates space between you and your feelings or thought, allowing you to respond rather than react. It keeps you grounded in the present moment. It is the balancing force that allows the other two above elements to function.
E.g. You feel anxious before a big decision. Instead of suppressing it or becoming overwhelmed, you say, “I notice that I’m feeling anxious right now. That just means this really matters to me not that something is wrong with me.”
Someone on TikTok suggested using “Of cause...” sentences for this and I think it is genius because it is like 3-in-1. Like “Of cause I messed up the deadline, the assignment was difficult and long, next time I will just clarify and confirm details with the lecturer before starting to ensure I do not mess up again. “Of cause rejection hurts, it is human to want connection, next time I am going to do this differently”. “Of cause I’m feeling anxious right now, this is really important to me, I still need to regulate and calm myself so I am in the right state”
5 SELF-COMPASSION STATEMENTS TO PRACTICE TELLING YOURSELF INSTEAD OF SELF-CRITICISM:
- “I am a human being having a human experience”
- “By definition, if I want to grow, I have to accept that I am imperfect”
- “It is hard, but I can be gentle with myself while I move through this”
- “I did my best with the tools I had, the knowledge I was granted or the courage I was able to master”
- “I play by similar rules of life as everyone and can love myself through my moments of humanity too”
THINGS TO AVOID WHEN PRACTICING SELF-COMPASSION:
It is just as important to understand what to not do as it is to understand what to do. Self-compassion is often misunderstood the most and some lines seem blurry if not discussed:
- Avoid using self-compassion to bypass emotions
Self-compassion is not about immediately soothing yourself to escape discomfort. Let emotions exist. Avoid rushing to affirmations or positivity without first acknowledging how you truly feel. Forced positivity does more damage than good.
Instead: Name the emotion honestly and how you feel before offering kindness. Compassion begins with presence, not distraction.
- Avoid excusing harmful behavior
Self-compassion does not mean justifying actions that hurt yourself or others. When compassion turns into rationalization, growth stalls.
Instead: Hold yourself with care but accountability. You can say, “I understand what and why I did this” while also saying, “This behavior is wrong and I need to change it, because it hurt or impacted someone like this and that.”
3. Avoid comparing your pain to others’
Minimizing or maximizing your suffering because “Others have it worse” or “Others have it better” undermines self-compassion. Hardship is not a competition. There is no medal of honor for struggling better or worse than another person.
Instead: Acknowledge your experience without ranking it. Your experiences are valid even if others struggle differently. It is unique to you. No need to one up someone, just relate or respect.
GIVING A SELF-APOLOGY
Another thing to do while practicing self-compassion is having to apologies to yourself when you resort to self-criticism. You might not realize it but you are listening while you talk to yourself and internalizing everything you say about yourself that’s why you repeat it back to yourself again and again when triggered. Apologizing is less about saying the right words and more about taking genuine accountability with humility and care. A meaningful apology repairs trust, acknowledges impact and creates space for healing. You can even refer to yourself in third person or look yourself in a mirror to make it seem easier. It is a sign of emotional maturity and most importantly self-awareness.
A FRIENDLY REMINDER
There is no perfection in practice, it is not about mastery rather about internalizing a new habit. Trying to “do self-compassion right” defeats its purpose. Self-compassion is not a performance or achievement or a badge; it is a lived experience of kindness, presence and care. Self-compassion invites you to meet yourself where you are, with honesty and patience, even when you stumble or fall short. It is about allowing your feelings, thoughts, mistakes or flaws to exist without judgment, and responding with warmth instead of criticism. Remember that self-compassion recognizes shared humanity. You are human, you are imperfect and you are always learning. Seeking help, leaning on others or asking for support is not weakness, it is also an act of self-compassion too. It acknowledges that you are worthy of self-care; growth and healing do not have to be carried alone. In this way, self-compassion becomes both an internal and relational practice, creating a foundation of trust and presence from which you can navigate life more gently, authentically and resiliently. And once you learn compassion for yourself, you automatically start to extend the same to strangers as well simply because it is now within you.
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