BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR CHOICES: Every choice you make has consequences

I learned that a big part of taking responsibility was being held accountable for your choices. Which was one of the hardest things for me to do. For a very long time I couldn’t stand by my own choice solidly and it showed.

ACCOUNTABILITY:

Where responsibility exists, accountability reside. Yet accountability is harder than responsibility for it is the aftermath to your choices. It means owning up to the results of your choices both good and bad. It is being able to recognise how your choices sometimes not only affect you but other people involved as well. It is admitting when you have made the wrong choice and working on making it right. If you think that is hard, the absence thereof is harder to bear. Because accountability is essential for growth and personal development. How can you learn your lesson and aim to improve if you never own up to the choices that got you where you are? Nevertheless, fact remains- You get to pick the card you play and how that works out will still falls on you. And if you are not ready to confront that then accountability will remain your enemy.

Things THAT ARE NOT taking accountability:

Before we can get into what accountability is, we need to understand what it is not. I call this the “NO SECTION” because these things may give you “a temporary high and moral righteousness” but do more damage in the long run. They almost resemble taking accountability but covered in glittered shame and a hurt ego. After all the brain doesn’t take well to being wrong. So this is what most of us do when we claim to be taking accountability for our choices:

• Manipulation:

This is when someone tries to control how the situation is being perceived rather than addressing what actually happened. This says “I care more about how I am seen in this than about what I did”. They might say just about enough to appear like they might take accountability, but never own their choice.

Usually sounds like: I am sorry you felt like that.

• Gaslighting:

This is when they attempt to distort your reality by presenting a rewrite rather than addressing the situation honestly. This says “The problem is your interpretation of the situation not me”. They protect themselves at the expense of making you question your reality.

Usually sounds like: You are remembering it wrong, that is not what happened at all.

• Beating around the bush:

This is when someone talks about the situation without ever directly addressing it. This says “I will stay vague so I never have to admit anything”. They will give you long explanations, vague language or emotional detours to justify what happened but never a clear acknowledgment.

Usually sounds like: It was a complicated situation, things just got out of hand yeah you know how things can be.

• Blaming:

This is when someone creates a narrative where they are just reacting rather than choosing. This says “ It is on you, someone or something that made me do that”. If everything is never their fault, there is nothing for them to change or learn from that situation.

Sounds like: If you haven’t done that then that wouldn’t have happened, next time don’t do that.

• Reversing:

This is when someone plays the victim in a situation where they are wrong. This says “I feel attacked for my part in the situation”. They want to make you feel guilty and then pity their choice. It turns a moment that should be about responsibility into a moment of comfort and reassurance.

Sounds like: I am just a terrible person then since nothing I ever do is enough for you and my grandparents died 5 years ago.

• Minimizing:

This is when someone reduces the severity of the situation being addressed. This says “I refuse to accept that my choice was significant in this situation”. They create a harm scale that they live by and want everyone to only abide to this scale of harm completely invalidating the experience of others.

Sounds like: It is not that deep, you making a big deal out of nothing and it could have been worse.

• Avoiding:

This is when someone hopes that the situation will automatically disappear on its own if they don’t attempt to address it. This says “I fear the feeling so I won’t address the situation”. They look to time to resolve unaddressed situations for them. Not to be confused with asking for space to process first before later tackling it.

Sounds like: Let’s just move on from that; I don’t want to get into this with you so stop bringing it up.

HOW TO BE ACCOUNTABLE:

Unlike most people I was actually willing to learn the proper way of taking accountability and grow. So I went onto the internet (the only therapist I can afford) and asked the right question. I found this TEDx talk titled “Accountability is a love language” by Tafadzwa Bete Sasa. I will never forget that video because it touched me.

Ask “What happened?”

She said that the first question you should address in accountability is, “What happened?” seems simple enough right? By doing this you acknowledge that it was your choices that brought you here not some misfortune or miracle so you can begin to solve the problem. In doing this, you can see the inconsideration, greed, negligence, selfishness and etc without feeling shamed or shunned. And actually understand the impact your choice had on the other person/people. But accountability feels like an attack when you not ready to confront your choices hence the reason why most accountability conversations never get pass this question. Because when you feel an attack coming your first instinct is to defend and running to the “NO SECTION”. That is your ego, preserving your sense of self the only way it know how. There is this need to assert yourself when a different awareness is shown and anything that opposes it will always be a villain in your story. And “If your reputation is more important than your progress, you are only competing against yourself” unfortunately. Accountability invites you to take space even in the most uncomfortable situations, place your shield down, hold space safely and then honestly reflect on your choice. It is pure vulnerability, courage and it is grounding and freeing. You became able to look at the negative parts of yourself without feeling like this human experience is tainting your self-image.

Learn to genuinely say “I am sorry.”

 By the time many accountability conversations get here, they are dragging and a lot has usually already happened. Some jump the first and run here to avoid discussing the situation and as they say “keep the peace”. It sounds like accountability but nothing has actually been properly understood, processed or expressed. Some do not even get here because ego already won; it is the undefeated champion in the relationship. The conversation does not become a connection repair section rather a debate. With that being said, a genuine apology is hard to come by because it depends on the ability to override the instinct to protect yourself. A real apology is not just words; it is the result of a process above. You have listened without interrupting, you have resisted the urge to defend yourself, you have acknowledged the impact of your actions and you have accepted your role. Accountability is not about you and your self-driven guilt; it is about acknowledging someone else’s experience as a result of your choice.  There is clarity, ownership and respect. A genuine apology can be felt as it opens the door for real repair and growth.

Provide a solution to fix your mistake

The last question you should answer is, “What are you going to do to fix it?” By doing this you accept the consequences that will follow and acknowledge that something has to be righted or changed on your behalf. Things will never get back to the past normal because a mistake was made and security might be upgraded for their sake if they choose not to leave. This is where many people hesitate. They want to apologize, but they don’t want the cost that comes with repair or even bare the responsibility of repairing. They fail to understand that it is a “that was my mistake, and I need to make sure it doesn’t happen again” situation. It is not for you dictate how long it takes another person to get over it or real forgive you or what benefits you will now have in their life after that.  What you need to do is have the implementation plan in specific detail by looking at what you need to change so that trust gets rebuilt. Without this step, people often go back to old mistakes or just hope time resolves things because there was no plan to evolve behind their apology. I once had a friend of mine tell me this when I could not come up with a fix for a situation and I say it to you now: If you are not going to do anything about it, you have no right to complain about whatever decision is made around you, about you or without you, you must accept it because you choosing to give up the only influence you have on the situation going forward. Harsh but important to remember.

2 THINGS THAT ACCOUNTABILITY REQUIRES

True accountability means that the same principles are upheld whether you are the one at fault or the one harmed. It requires a courageous steady commitment to honesty, responsibility, and boundary-setting. People should know that they can rely on you to respond in alignment with your authentic self, regardless of who is involved or what role you occupy in the situation. There are 2 things:

1. Accountability requires integrity:

Which means that your values should not be situational. They don’t bend depending on whether you’re being praised, challenged, hurt, or held responsible. You don’t minimize harm just because you didn’t intend it. You don’t need an audience or to get caught in order to want to do the right thing. You don’t need to be the victim of misconduct to justify setting boundaries or be the villain to follow them when they are given to you. Basically your internal compass should guide you and you must be able to stay grounded in truth in the end. We know it is way easier to point out someone else’s wrongdoing than to confront our own because accountability is uncomfortable. It needs you to return to the pure truth of the situation. It asks that you to stay in the discomfort long enough to understand and address what actually happened applying the same values you would use if the tables were turned. Included in the package is humility, self-compassion, as well as the willingness to see yourself clearly. Because you don’t get to soften the truth when you’re at fault, then demand full transparency when someone else is or vice versa. Integrity also means understanding that each choice stands individually and create a new impact as accountability lives in the present moment. You don’t get to borrow credibility from a past choice to excuse what happened today. In that moment, nothing else gets to speak louder than the truth of what just actually happened today.

2. Accountability requires consistency:

Which means addressing misconduct when you are the receiver or your silence will socially be interpreted as acceptance. Your inability to be confrontational makes you lack accountability. It is not that “It’s good when you do it and a problem when I do it”; it is that you failed to address it when it was done to you and thought the right time to address it would be if you did it back to the person that spoke up immediately. As much as I would like to preach the “If you don’t want it done to you, don’t do it to other people” here, that principle does not apply here. We have all been on both sides of this conversation (social media still argues about it) so I do not think it is double standard problem, it is just human nature for people to subconsciously test what you will tolerate. This is not necessarily intended or malicious; it is how social dynamics evolve and individual understanding is reached. It is up to you to set a standard of how you want to be treated, raise awareness of your boundaries and it’s consequences. Our failure to do so lands us in this type of situations where we refuse to take accountability for our choices because we assumed it was okay from them responding to your social cues. I am sorry to tell you that simply because you tolerated it doesn’t mean the other person has to because your inability to communicate your boundaries when it mattered doesn’t forfeit theirs. That was the hardest accountability requirement to accept.

CONCLUSION

Accountability is not a single action, it is every choice made to honor your way of being and co-existing with others. It is what grounds love and show respect for the connection you share. A mere quiet, consistent oppoortunity to choose truth over comfort, responsibility over defensiveness and growth over ego. This is not proven by how well you defend yourself, but by how honestly you can face yourself. Believe me when I say that version of you will show up better in every relationship because by gaining the able to hold yourself accountable, you show yourself the love needed to grow and live with uprightness.