I was never taught that anything about prioritizing myself only that “selflessness is a virtue”. “Be there for others, take care of others and extend a helping hand” was the message I adopted. Which is true but to what extend? They never said. No one taught or explained where caring for others should end and caring for myself should begin. That is a line I had to find for myself in adulthood.
SELF PRIORITIZATION:
To all my givers self-prioritization is here to teach us that, entering as a correction and not a contradiction. It understands a very important principle about selflessness: it is not suppose to be self-neglect. Yeah “sharing is caring” but is it really sharing if you don’t get a piece of what is yours if you need it too? It asks you a simple yet uncomfortable question: Where are you in all of this? serving as a reminder that you are just as important and have to be considered. Because selflessness was never meant to be an act where you pour endlessly into others while leaving yourself constantly empty. So self-prioritization teaches you to consider your own needs instead of silencing them. It preaches a necessary balance rather that allows for both self-love and compassion for others, introducing a more ethical and sustainable way of living. It tells you that you count; you matter and you deserve energy, time, effort, value and resources just as you were taught you are suppose to give other people. Because when they speak of “Ubuntu” you must exist within that “we.”
THE HIDDEN COSTS OF SELF-NEGLECT:
Whether your learning of this was obvious or subtle, it formed one of your people-pleasing tendencies. Worst of all you were praised for it like they didn’t go turn something that was meant to be genuine into a survival mechanism. And you know what? You became so good at not needing anything ever that you forget what it feels like to feel full. Here are 4 costs this probably had on you:
- You slowly lose your sense of self
When your decisions are constantly shaped by what others need, expect, or feel, you begin to disconnect from your own internal voice. Because you’ve spent so long being everything for everyone else that you’ve forgotten how to be someone for yourself. Fear of disappointing others drives your prioritizes. Ubuntu may affirm that your identity is shaped through these connections, but it does not mean you should dissolve within them. It shouldn’t erase your identity just holds it within community.
- Your slowly build resentment where love once lived
When you give from a place of self-neglect, you may unconsciously expect something in return. Perhaps recognition, appreciation, or reciprocation of some kind. Overgiving, overdoing or overfunctioning doesn’t always feel heavy in the beginning but over time, a quiet resentment may move in. That doesn’t mean you don’t care, it means you have been caring without being cared for. This dynamic disrupts the balance Ubuntu is rooted in.
- You become emotionally exhausted
When you constantly showing up for others while ignoring your own needs, it becomes draining in ways that aren’t always visible. That is emotional depletion. It feels like you have nothing left, but still pushing yourself to give no matter how overwhelming. You may continue to give, but the quality of that giving may diminish with you. A sustaining community requires sustainable individuals, and sustainable individuals allow for replenishment when needs.
- Your relationships become unbalanced
When you are always the giver, relationships can quietly become one-sided because an identity forms around that. Receiving can feel hard for you thus disrupting the flow of care. They are two halves of the same circle, they should stay in balance constantly and when you block one, you block the full connection of a balanced relationship. Ever heard of the story of the neighbor who always borrowed salt not because she needed it but because she didn’t want their poor neighbors to feel like parasites thus continuing the flow of care. That is what Ubuntu is about, the interdependence of a shared harmonized practice.
WHY YOU FEEL GUILTY PRIORITIZING YOURSELF:
Remember the time you voiced your need as a kid and where told you were being “inconsiderate” or “selfish” or something philanthropic along those lines that you never understood? Even if that conclusion was clearly unfair to you? That moment did more than correct your behavior; it shaped your understanding of belonging. A belief that caring for yourself takes away from others, makes you “difficult” and could cost you connection, approval, or safety formed. Being a kid you absorb it through repeated feedback, expectations, and experiences that shaped you to became the giver you are. And that guilt merely comes from everything you were taught about what it means to prioritize yourself. That obligation you feel to diminish your own need for another person is the source of your guilt. Not selflessness and not because your needs were ever wrong to begin with. What we learnt was a quiet rewriting of the truth and from then on you fell into this vicious toxic cycle carrying it straight into adulthood. And the guilt you never unlearned continues to pull you back.
WHAT THEY DON’T TELL YOU AS A GIVER:
The world is full of intentional takers and when you identify as a giver you attract with ease. And these takers have no limit but a whole lot of entitlement. They do not care about nothing but themselves. They will take your resources, time, energy, peace and etc if you let them. Matter of fact they will start to expect it like you owe it to them. They always have their hand out and then get mad at you when you have nothing left to give. The worst part is that they do not feel bad because you only as valuable as how much you can give to them. That’s why it is up to you to draw the line and adjust the scale. Generosity without limits is not selfless or kindness and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise benefits off of your self-neglect. When there are no boundaries, giving stops being an active choice and becomes a pattern. And that pattern invite repetition.
LEARNING TO PRIORITIZE YOURSELF:
You deserve all you do for others and you can’t walk around in hopes that someone will give to you someday so let it start within. Self-prioritization, when practiced with intention and awareness is one of its most sustainable and authentic forms giving ever achieves. It acknowledges that one’s capacity to care for others is deeply connected to how well one cares for oneself. This allows you to show up from a place of actual genuinity not obligation. Here is how I came to overcome my conditioning:
- Pour into your own cup first
Prioritize means to designate or treat as being most important or dealt with first. I placed myself at the top of that priority list. Our giving has a source and that source is us. But we are not endless sources. Our energy, time, effort, resources and etc like cups all have capacities. And if you ignore those limits, you don’t become more generous rather more depleted. I prefer to overflow into others once my cup is full now because when my cup is full what I give to others feels natural and most importantly sustainable. When you are attuned to your own needs and feelings, you are better equipped to be present with others instead of being distracted by internal depletion or unspoken frustrations. This presence fosters deeper better connections since you are whole, and it shows. Pouring into your own cups looks like checking in with yourself before you agree or giving yourself the permission to receive or just doing any self-care activity of your choice alone.
- Set boundaries
You are allowed to give. But you are also allowed to decide how much, when, and to whom. So it is important to learn to say “No”. Boundaries do not need the marketing. You set them and you live by them. This was hard at first so any time before I decide to give, I would ask myself, “Am I doing this because I can or because I feel like I have to?” Especially when presented with the sad stories and pleading making me feel like I am the only one who can help them. This method will weaponize your sympathy/empathy and you can find yourself in a sticky situation. But you do not have to be the hero of anyone’s story at your own expense, learn to disappoint people. You are not damage insurance, an emergency fund or a charity. Their world will survive if you do not bend over backwards. When you start saying no, you begin to see your relationships more clearly. Some people will adjust to meet you with the same consideration you are learning to give yourself and some people will fall away. Believe me when I say, good riddance.
IN CONCLUSION:
As uncomfortable as it is to practice, self-prioritization challenges the belief that caring for yourself takes away from others instead shows you that it actually enhances what you are able to give. Because when you include yourself in your own care, everything changes. Your kindness becomes more sustainable; your presence becomes more genuine and you are no longer giving from a place of obligation, hoping that someone will notice and refill you. Your giving comes from a place of fullness, where your needs have already been acknowledged and respected. And of course prioritizing yourself can feel unfamiliar especially if you have spent a long time being the one who always gives. And that guilt is not proof that you’re doing something wrong; it’s proof that you’re doing something different. You are stepping out of a pattern that once kept you connected yet never truly held you. That different is where change begins.
THANK YOU FOR STOPING BY!!
Stay beautiful and blessed